Posted in Poems

good ol’days

I remember the

good ol days

simple hangouts

study dates

laughing for hours on end

with bubble tea in our hands

but now things have changed –

best friend turned stranger

you’ve walked out

of my life

with no explanation

but somehow I remain calm

now all I wish you is

nothing but the best

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, life, Poems

grave.

rest in peace

to what

we had

2 years strong

but in the end

you betrayed

the tiny thread

of trust —

you broke me

now,

I keep

digging up

the grave

of our love

to reminice

all that we

once had

-XOXO chana

Posted in Poems

guiding star

I still

check up on you

In hopes that

someday soon

you will

come back

home to me

I keep

wishing upon the stars

for you to return

I find my self

talking to the stars

because afterall

you are my guiding star

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, jolly june, Poems, Quarantine Files

he said she said

they tell her to move on

they say he’s 

a cheater 

but they don’t know him

like she does 

___________________________

She misses 

those stolen glances 

his eyes 

his smile 

his hugs 

those study dates 

___________________________

he once used to call her

with endearing terms 

now he calls her 

crazy 

mental 

psycho

delusional 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files

apologies

when I was losing my mind 

going stir crazy 

stuck in the house 

you told me you would be there for me 

if I needed anything 

you would help 

yet 6 months down the line

history was repeating its self 

and you,

stood there and lied to my face 

told me you didn’t know who I was talking about 

said I should move on —-

I am not stupid 

I caught on very quick 

I noticed the small things 

I many have anxiety and depression 

But my memory is sharp 

I write everything down

to show y’all once all the lies end 

even when I call you out on the lies

you switch the conversation

you smirk

you smile 

you laugh 

y’all are playing with my life

as if I am a puppet 

I am still waiting on a 

sincere apology 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Uncategorized

the expense of protection

They tell me they lied for me 

To protect me – 

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies 

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy 

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts – 

The only things keeping me from ending my life 

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T, 

They were the ones by my side at my lowest 

They were the ones that motivated me to get better 

They were the ones who validated my feelings 

They were the ones who were there for me 

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to 

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them. 

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there 

Thank you for making me realize my self worth 

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal 

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

darkest days

even on my darkest

I still speak about you

with endearing terms

and spill my heart out

to anyone willing to listen

they say –

If he were the one

he would have ;

stayed

been present

consisten

they call you:

a wastebucket

a fuc boi

toxic

an ass

a cheat –

but I know

in my soul and with everyinch of my heart

the mistakes we were were pure and out of innocence

I need time to grow and bloosom

but I still have faith in

you & us

even when your actions and words tell me otherwise

I miss the old you – the real you

-XOXO chana

Posted in Uncategorized

loose connections

a loose connection

these past few months

i’ve been feeling lost

wandering these lonely streets

yet – I cant seem to

get you out

of my head

how can you sleep at night

knowing you’ve been

acting like a fool


I seem to

i miss your sister

more these days

i keep reminiscing to

those phone calls

with her in the background


N, i need you more than ever right now

tell me why your brother has been acting like this

tell me how hes been

tell me if he comes home intoxicated

-XOXO chana

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Posted in Poems

breaking barriers

i tore down my wall

wore my heart

on my sleeve

only for you

to come around and

shatter my heart

into a million pieces

i’m left trying to

piece my heart back together

but how do you mend a shattered heart ?

maybe the only remedy

is your love

-XOXO chana

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