Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, Quarantine Files

to the only guy I’ve ever loved,

Maybe just maybe I fell for you too hard too fast. Every waking moment is spent thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Yet lately it seems like it’s not being reciprocated.

You were the first guy I ever properly spoke to – openly. I told you about my fears, my dreams and everything in between. You gave me a lot of my firsts – first date, first kiss, first talking stage. You became my first boyfriend and i hoped you would be my last. I envisioned my life with you but now everything’s up in flames. 

For the second time I’m my life I’ve experienced heart ache and misery. For months on end you brushed me aside like I meant nothing to you. When I tried to reach out to you to see what was up because I missed you – you called me crazy and told me you were dating someone else. Maybe I’m not good enough for you. Maybe I’m not worthy of love. 

Not only did you treat me like trash but you got my family and friends in cahoots with you. Everyone’s been scheming behind my back. No one seems to remember that you were my boyfriend when I specially made sure that my parents and family met you before we became official. For someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression my memory is sharp. 

I still remember telling you I wasn’t ready to date you and wanted to just be friends. I was done lying my family, my best friends, who had been there for me at my lowest. I needed to focus on my self and my mental health. I told you I had a lot to work on before I had a mans – I wanted to fix my relationships with my so called squad, I wanted to make sure me and my ex-bestfriend were on good terms. You being the elaborate waste-bucket I know – planned a big ass surprise for me. You went and talked to my parents, you talked to my friends, and my family inorder to surprise me.

I was on campus on April 26th, 2018, during this time you told me to have fun in Sri Lanka over the summer and then we would talk when I got back. I was already starting to miss you even before the trip. I was wondering if you would move on during my trip and maybe find someone else. I was all in my thoughts sitting in the meeting place at UTSC, writing in my bullet journal. When I was bombarded on campus by my cousins. They could tell I was sad – they told me that you went and talked to my parents, that you told them you wanted to be with me. I was shocked – I never expected you to do that, you were my prince charming. Thats when Taylor Swift was being blasted into the meeting place – they told me to look up. Thats when you walked down the stairs with my brother and sister. As y’all were talking towards me thats when my parents popped up and then also perriamma and perriappa. Then you asked me to be your girlfriend. 

Fast forward to September – I told you I wanted a break – I needed to focus on school and raise my GPA. You understood and told me okay. We would still talk everyday and text. But then I remember that night in November. You were in the hospital. My parents visited you in the hospital – i was devastated. How could you have done something so stupid?. It was in that moment when I thought I had lost you forever that I realized I loved you. You were the one. 

I knew from that moment on I needed you in my life. The dark days and all. You were my source of happiness and joy. I remember the days you used to hold me close. Now everything has changed and I’ve been brushed aside. 

I’m left to fend from my own demons by myself. You’ve put me in a constant state of depression. Everyday I’m wishing that you would walk into my life – I can’t stand to lose another person I love. Yet months have gone by and nothing. You don’t seem to care about me. 

Every night I fall asleep with tears on my eyes thinking of you and what we used to be. With a sad playlist on repeat. I go to sleep knowing that I can be with you in my dreams. 

I’ve reached the point where the pain is greater than my love for you. All you’ve caused me pain now. All I have left to say to you, is why ? Just why ? What’s your reason for all the pain you caused ? Was this really necessary ? 

-XOXO chana

Posted in jolly june, Quarantine Files

may playlist

hola amigos, today im back with a new post. This will showcase my may playlist so that you guys can get a sense of what i’ve been listening to in quarantine. Without further ado, here is my playlist:

  • Somebody Else – Jonny Brenns
  • La La Land (Acoustic) – Bryce Vine
  • Baby – Logic
  • Deep Pockets – Drake
  • Hold It Together – Shessi Sandu
  • Hurt Enough – Sal Houdini
  • Lonely Star – Oh Wonder
  • New Phone, Who’s This. – Chris Lane
  • Forgive – gnash
  • FUYL – Anjulie
  • The Phantom, Vol. 1 – GhostboyRJ (album)
  • Hungover and I miss u – gnash
  • Fishin’ – Chris Lane
  • Blue Jeans – Jonny Brenns
  • I Keep Falling – Sal Houdini
  • Never Enough – Logic
  • I Like It When You Love Me – Oh Wonder
  • It’s You – Ali gatie
  • Losin Control – Russ
  • Tell Me Now – Sal Houdini
  • Growing Pains III – Logic
  • Stars – Jonny Brenns
  • Slow Dance – AJ Mitchell & Ava Max

what have you been listening to?

-XOXO chana

Posted in jolly june, Quarantine Files

may favourites

Guess whose back, – back again :). Todays post is going to be all about my favourites both this month and throughout the quarantine. so go grab a big ol’ cup of tea and enjoy!


Technology and Apps

  • Rakuten Kobo

Service to purchase books and ebooks. And read free samples and books !

  • I-Pad Second Generation and Stylus Pen

Perfect for being on the go and planning digitally. I have been loving hand writing notes, and doing portraits. Apps I have been using are google drive, google docs, wordpress and notes.

  • Good Notes

Perfect for taking digital notes and drawing 🙂

Content Creators

Recently, my brother started a new venture and creates youtube videos. I love seeing my brother be passionate about something and his love for editing. Be sure to check him out ! Support the Bales family! It was my brothers birthday on May 29 – so if you can please go subscribe, life and comment. Let’s run those views up. His most recent video: : NBA 2K20 1v1 wager.

My brothers friend Sharif – whose more like family to the Bales Family. Be sure to check him out for a laugh and subscribe. He films vlogs, challenges, reaction videos and more. His most recent video: a vlog – I Got Hit my Rocks + Special Announcement

My brothers friend from uni and a friend I met through instagram. She’s a multi-talented indiviudal : photography, MUAH, content creator, and influencer in the making. Special projects are in the works.

Content creator, Youtuber and Freelance makeup artist in the GTA. Go check out her insta and subscribe to her youtube channel. Her most recent video: Bala’s Tea in Nighty

Podcasts

  • Lost Yutes

A video podcast coming your way in 2020. Keep your eyes open and ready for this fire podcast thats in the works

Scents

From Indigo / Chapters – such a sweet and subtle scents thats not too over powering.

  • Lavender Essiential Oil

Music

  • The Phantom – GhostboyRJ
  • Supermarket – Logic
  • Hold it Together – Shessi Sandu
  • Dark Lane Demo Tapes – Drake

Movies and TV shows

  • Never Have I Ever
  • Sweet Magnolias

What have you guys been loving ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, jolly june, Poems, Quarantine Files

he said she said

they tell her to move on

they say he’s 

a cheater 

but they don’t know him

like she does 

___________________________

She misses 

those stolen glances 

his eyes 

his smile 

his hugs 

those study dates 

___________________________

he once used to call her

with endearing terms 

now he calls her 

crazy 

mental 

psycho

delusional 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files

apologies

when I was losing my mind 

going stir crazy 

stuck in the house 

you told me you would be there for me 

if I needed anything 

you would help 

yet 6 months down the line

history was repeating its self 

and you,

stood there and lied to my face 

told me you didn’t know who I was talking about 

said I should move on —-

I am not stupid 

I caught on very quick 

I noticed the small things 

I many have anxiety and depression 

But my memory is sharp 

I write everything down

to show y’all once all the lies end 

even when I call you out on the lies

you switch the conversation

you smirk

you smile 

you laugh 

y’all are playing with my life

as if I am a puppet 

I am still waiting on a 

sincere apology 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

eelam

the history of my people

runs in my veins

the stories of inhumane acts

run like a film roll in my head

the legacy of my family & tamils

keeps me going

everything I do is to honour

my blood

the history of tamils

sometimes keeps me up at night

2009 ,

haunts me

my appama and ammama missing in times of crisis

my uncle bombed to death

my aunt left widowed

how do they sleep at night

knowing they took the lives of

hundreds of thousand innocent lives

the war left

thousands of my people

displaced

killed

missing

murdered

sexually assaulted

kidnapped

dead

bombed

raped

how did they get away

with the numerous

war crimes

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

darkest days

even on my darkest

I still speak about you

with endearing terms

and spill my heart out

to anyone willing to listen

they say –

If he were the one

he would have ;

stayed

been present

consisten

they call you:

a wastebucket

a fuc boi

toxic

an ass

a cheat –

but I know

in my soul and with everyinch of my heart

the mistakes we were were pure and out of innocence

I need time to grow and bloosom

but I still have faith in

you & us

even when your actions and words tell me otherwise

I miss the old you – the real you

-XOXO chana

Posted in life, Quarantine Files

acknowledging my privilege

This was a post that I found on my Facebook timeline and this really resonated with me – so I wanted to share it on my blog as well. Acknowledging your privilege is sooo important especially with the systematic inequalities currently found in the education, health sector, and other notable institutions. If you can please post this on your blog- show young Black individuals that we are with them and that their voices are heard. I know what it’s like to feel like no one was there for you in times of hardship. Especially with the Sri Lankan civil war – no nations stood behind Tamil. Tamils, as people, were left to fend for themselves and this is what created the LTTE. During the war – nations deemed it as a terrorist group but in actuality it was one of the few militant groups that was created to fight for Tamil Eelam – independence and wishes to become a separate entity from the rest of Sri Lanka. Now, 11 years after the end of the civil war, Canada has recognized that LTTE was in fact NOT a terrorist group – instead it was a militant group fighting for the atrocities done by the President at the time and the Sri Lankan army (Singhalese individuals).

Hello! My name is Archana Baleswaran. I have privilege as a Tamil individual because I can do all of these things without thinking twice:

I can go birding (#ChristianCooper)
I can go jogging (#AmaudArbery)
I can relax in the comfort of my own home (#BothemSean & #AtatianaJefferson)
I can ask for help after being in a car crash (#JonathanFerrell & #RenishaMcBride)
I can have a cellphone (#StephonClark)
I can leave a party to get to safety (#JordanEdwards)
I can play loud music (#JordanDavis)
I can sell CDs (#AltonSterling)
I can sleep (#AiyanaJones)
I can walk from the corner store (#MikeBrown)
I can play cops and robbers (#TamirRice)
I can walk home with Skittles (#TrayvonMartin)
I can hold a hair brush while leaving my own bachelor party (#SeanBell)
I can party on New Years (#OscarGrant)
I can get a normal traffic ticket (#SandraBland)
I can lawfully carry a weapon (#PhilandoCastile)
I can break down on a public road with car problems (#CoreyJones)
I can shop at Walmart (#JohnCrawford)
I can have a disabled vehicle (#TerrenceCrutcher)
I can read a book in my own car (#KeithScott)
I can be a 10yr old walking with my grandfather (#CliffordGlover)
I can decorate for a party (#ClaudeReese)
I can ask a cop a question (#RandyEvans)
I can cash a check in peace (#YvonneSmallwood)
I can take out my wallet (#AmadouDiallo)
I can run (#WalterScott)
I can breathe (#EricGarner)
I can live (#FreddieGray)
I CAN BE ARRESTED WITHOUT THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED (#GeorgeFloyd)

White privilege is real.

Take a minute to consider a Black person’s experience today.

Take another minute to consider the constant and legitimate fear of a Black person’s parents / families / communities / loved ones that their son, brother, sister, daughter, cousin, teacher, student, partner, mentor, mother, father or friend could be murdered any day, for any reason or non-reason, under the egregious auspices of “law enforcement,” while simply trying to live their life in the United States of America.

#BlackLivesMatter

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

Birth Month – Jolly June

Soo, to celebrate my birthday, I will be attempting to post every day in the month of june. I have already planned everything out and it will encompass a variety of posts – lifestyle, university, advice, question tags, behind the scenes – the series, digital portraits, taking the plunge into becoming a non profit organization and more.

I hope you enjoy this ! Hopefully I dont forget about this 🙂

– XOXO chana