Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in birthday, jolly june, life

my identity

Last month, on May 28th, Tamils around the world remembered all the lives lost during the 3 decade long civil war. It is our remembrance day, during the final stretch of the war, hundreds of thousands of Tamil individuals were brutally killed. On this day, several school boards in Ontario, government officials and prominent individuals commemorated the genocide. However, Peel School Board District, retracted this tweet and apologized to the oppressor based on a few complaints from some uneducated individuals in the GTA. Tamils across the GTA have been trying to email the district school boards to tell them now much acknowledging this day means to us. In order to stand together and fight this worthy cause, Tamils have been posting on social media with the caption ” I am தமிழ்/ Tamil and genocide is a part of my identity”.

Here is my post to this movement:

In May of 2018, my family and I took a trip to the so called paradise island that travel blogs promote – Sri Lanka – for a month long stay. We rotated our stay between 2 towns: PointPedro and Mallavi. One place my Appa and Aththai really wanted to visit was the Church in Mullivaikal. My Aththai is a strong and resilient women who became a widow in 2009 due the civil war. This spot is where my Appama and Ammama were last seen. This spot is where my uncle was bombed to death. This is the spot that brings chills and goosebumps to my family. This is the spot that brings tears to my Appa’s, Athai’s, Akka’s, Thambi’s and family’s eyes. Speaking about our history as Tamils is so important. We need to educate those who left us to fend for our selves during the war. To educate the countries that did not stand behind us in 2009. To educate people of all races and nationalities. To stand in solidarity for the hundreds of thousands of individuals raped, sexually assaulted, kidnapped, murdered, killed and disappeared during the decades long civil war

RIP Mahalingam Mama, Rasama Kanapathipillai, Ammama

I am Thamil and genocide is part of my identity.

-XOXO chana

Posted in Uncategorized

My Birthday Fundraiser

Hello everyone, I just wanted to hop on here and say that for the month of june i am going to try and write a blog post everyday or at least 5 times a week. I am hoping to raise money for 2 organizations for my birthday. I want to raise money for 2 interrelated causes – mental illness and for those affected by the civil war in Sri Lanka (orphans).

The first one being for Mental illness- as you all know mental illness is one of the leading causes of illness in Canada but due the stigma around it many individuals do not seek help. I want to raise money and give it to Shoniker Clinic. In addition, within the Tamil community Mental Illness is seen as taboo and is barely spoken about. Family’s are afraid speaking up will ruin their reputation and how others will perceive them. Tamils hold reputation on a gold platter when in reality, not acknowledging mental illness as a illness affects not only the individual but also the family. How many more lives do we have to lose in the Tamil community before Tamils stand together and fight against the stigma? In 2019 alone, we lost 3 lives that I know of. This could have been prevented if we openly spoke about mental illness within the Tamil community. So let’s stand together and speak about mental illness. Those with mental illness are not defined by their diagnosis. We see things from a new POV – we are NOT crazy, defensive, sensitive, lazy, drama queens, annoying, violent. Mental illness manifest in different ways – you can be super productive or you can face chronic fatigue.

The second cause I want to donate to is to feed orphans due to Mullivaikal in SL on my birthday and to buy orphans materials (pencils, pens etc) and feed them. If you know any well known charitable organizations in Sri Lanka please let me know.

Thank you. To e-transfer or PayPal me send me a message. Anything helps, even if it’s just 1 dollar.

Thank you in advance

Donate Here

-XOXO chana

P.S I have already reached my initial goal but will still be raising money. So if you can donate! If you dont have the means to donate please share on your social media.

What are some organizations you think I should donate to – they must be reputable. ?

Posted in Uncategorized

the expense of protection

They tell me they lied for me 

To protect me – 

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies 

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy 

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts – 

The only things keeping me from ending my life 

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T, 

They were the ones by my side at my lowest 

They were the ones that motivated me to get better 

They were the ones who validated my feelings 

They were the ones who were there for me 

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to 

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them. 

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there 

Thank you for making me realize my self worth 

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal 

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

eelam

the history of my people

runs in my veins

the stories of inhumane acts

run like a film roll in my head

the legacy of my family & tamils

keeps me going

everything I do is to honour

my blood

the history of tamils

sometimes keeps me up at night

2009 ,

haunts me

my appama and ammama missing in times of crisis

my uncle bombed to death

my aunt left widowed

how do they sleep at night

knowing they took the lives of

hundreds of thousand innocent lives

the war left

thousands of my people

displaced

killed

missing

murdered

sexually assaulted

kidnapped

dead

bombed

raped

how did they get away

with the numerous

war crimes

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

darkest days

even on my darkest

I still speak about you

with endearing terms

and spill my heart out

to anyone willing to listen

they say –

If he were the one

he would have ;

stayed

been present

consisten

they call you:

a wastebucket

a fuc boi

toxic

an ass

a cheat –

but I know

in my soul and with everyinch of my heart

the mistakes we were were pure and out of innocence

I need time to grow and bloosom

but I still have faith in

you & us

even when your actions and words tell me otherwise

I miss the old you – the real you

-XOXO chana

Posted in life, Quarantine Files

acknowledging my privilege

This was a post that I found on my Facebook timeline and this really resonated with me – so I wanted to share it on my blog as well. Acknowledging your privilege is sooo important especially with the systematic inequalities currently found in the education, health sector, and other notable institutions. If you can please post this on your blog- show young Black individuals that we are with them and that their voices are heard. I know what it’s like to feel like no one was there for you in times of hardship. Especially with the Sri Lankan civil war – no nations stood behind Tamil. Tamils, as people, were left to fend for themselves and this is what created the LTTE. During the war – nations deemed it as a terrorist group but in actuality it was one of the few militant groups that was created to fight for Tamil Eelam – independence and wishes to become a separate entity from the rest of Sri Lanka. Now, 11 years after the end of the civil war, Canada has recognized that LTTE was in fact NOT a terrorist group – instead it was a militant group fighting for the atrocities done by the President at the time and the Sri Lankan army (Singhalese individuals).

Hello! My name is Archana Baleswaran. I have privilege as a Tamil individual because I can do all of these things without thinking twice:

I can go birding (#ChristianCooper)
I can go jogging (#AmaudArbery)
I can relax in the comfort of my own home (#BothemSean & #AtatianaJefferson)
I can ask for help after being in a car crash (#JonathanFerrell & #RenishaMcBride)
I can have a cellphone (#StephonClark)
I can leave a party to get to safety (#JordanEdwards)
I can play loud music (#JordanDavis)
I can sell CDs (#AltonSterling)
I can sleep (#AiyanaJones)
I can walk from the corner store (#MikeBrown)
I can play cops and robbers (#TamirRice)
I can walk home with Skittles (#TrayvonMartin)
I can hold a hair brush while leaving my own bachelor party (#SeanBell)
I can party on New Years (#OscarGrant)
I can get a normal traffic ticket (#SandraBland)
I can lawfully carry a weapon (#PhilandoCastile)
I can break down on a public road with car problems (#CoreyJones)
I can shop at Walmart (#JohnCrawford)
I can have a disabled vehicle (#TerrenceCrutcher)
I can read a book in my own car (#KeithScott)
I can be a 10yr old walking with my grandfather (#CliffordGlover)
I can decorate for a party (#ClaudeReese)
I can ask a cop a question (#RandyEvans)
I can cash a check in peace (#YvonneSmallwood)
I can take out my wallet (#AmadouDiallo)
I can run (#WalterScott)
I can breathe (#EricGarner)
I can live (#FreddieGray)
I CAN BE ARRESTED WITHOUT THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED (#GeorgeFloyd)

White privilege is real.

Take a minute to consider a Black person’s experience today.

Take another minute to consider the constant and legitimate fear of a Black person’s parents / families / communities / loved ones that their son, brother, sister, daughter, cousin, teacher, student, partner, mentor, mother, father or friend could be murdered any day, for any reason or non-reason, under the egregious auspices of “law enforcement,” while simply trying to live their life in the United States of America.

#BlackLivesMatter

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

Birth Month – Jolly June

Soo, to celebrate my birthday, I will be attempting to post every day in the month of june. I have already planned everything out and it will encompass a variety of posts – lifestyle, university, advice, question tags, behind the scenes – the series, digital portraits, taking the plunge into becoming a non profit organization and more.

I hope you enjoy this ! Hopefully I dont forget about this 🙂

– XOXO chana

Posted in uni, UofT

The Aftermath of the Sri Lankan Civil War

May 18th, marks the end of the civil war in Sri Lanka but for Tamils world wide it holds a deeper meaning. Below is one of my papers I wrote for my medical anthropology courses at University of Toronto.

I hope this post informs you guys (my readers) of an issue that is near and dear to my heart.


Written by: Archana Baleswaran

Basic rights and freedoms are a few of the things we often take for granted while living in a first world country such as Canada. Many individuals and cultural groups still struggle to access what we call basic rights – whether it be education or equal opportunity. Tamils in Sri Lanka, to this day, still face inequalities. This paper will be detailing the effects the Sri Lankan Civil War has had on Tamils both in Sri Lanka and worldwide. I will be discussing 3 main themes: immigration, trauma (physical and psychological) and death. Though the civil war has ended, 10 years later, Tamils are still impacted by traces of discrimination, inequality and trauma.

Observation:

For Canadians, November 11th marks Remembrance Day. On the eleventh month, of the eleventh day, we recognize all the fallen soldiers and individuals who continue to serve during the conflict and maintain peace worldwide. Similarly, for Tamils on the 27th of November, we celebrate all the lives lost during the Sri Lankan Civil war – known as Maaveerar Naal for Tamils. This roughly translates to hero’s day. This day commemorates the lives of all the fallen soldiers. 

My parents were born in Point Pedro, a town in Northern Sri Lanka. My father was raised in both Mallavi and Viyapairimulai. Meanwhile, my mom was raised in Kangasemthurai and Kumbasutti Point Pedro. Notably, both my parents were raised single handily by their mothers due to the deaths of their husbands. However, their lives were deeply affected by the on-going civil war in the 1980s. Prior to the civil war, Tamils were routinely discriminated against and faced many inequalities – racist colleagues, poor treatment, no opportunities for promotions as well as disparities in education. The Civil war brought fear, hardship, and displacement. 

My father, at the age of twenty, fell in love and decided to flee Sri Lanka in hopes of a better life for his family. With the approval of his immediate family and mother in law, he prepared to seek refuge in Canada. He set out for Canada leaving behind his family, home and friends. By September of 1988, he had arrived in Toronto, Canada. He had to work extremely hard to not only provide to his family back home but to also sponsor his fiancée. This required him to work multiple jobs – fast-food chain, factory parts assembler, and security guard. By May of 1993, my mother had arrived in Canada – two months later, my parents were married. Soon after that, they had children which brought my siblings and I into this world. 

To this day, my father works endlessly to support us by working multiple jobs. He continues to sacrifice his time and sleep to provide for us. My father is one of the most selfless and hardworking individuals I know, my only hope is that I can provide for my parents in the future as they did for me. 

Though my parents had been settled down in Canada – the events back home were constantly on their mind as our extended family lived there. Thus, my father took matters into his own hands and sponsored his brother. The civil war progressively had gotten worse from 2005-2009 (last few years of the civil war). When my father asked his brother in law if they would like to come to Canada – he responded with “Tamil Eelam vaarum”. This translates to ‘we will get independence’. My uncle had hope that soon Tamils would gain independence. 

The civil war affected the lives of my extended family, but it had a deeper impact on my paternal aunt (father’s sister). In the spring of 2009, Tamils worldwide lost connection with family and friends back home in Sri Lanka. During this time, my aunt, uncle, cousins, grandma, and aunts’ mother in law were forced to evacuate their homes and had to make their way to internment camps. This required them to walk through water that was approximately above the waist level. My uncle realized that his mother and mother in law would not be able to do so he set out with them to a ship that would help them cross over. My uncle put them on the ship and was standing near a church when the army bombed it. He passed away on the spot. As for my grandma and my aunts’ mother in law – to this day we don’t know where they are. We assume that they have passed away due to their old age and lack of mobility. 

Meanwhile, in Toronto, my father was attending protests in order to gain attention from the government of Canada. Growing up my parents made sure that my siblings and I understood the history of the civil war, why they immigrated and how lucky we are to be living in Canada. In elementary school, my family and I attended many protests in order to gain attention towards the genocide of Tamils – from Downtown Toronto to Ottawa. 

May 18th marks the end of the Sri Lankan civil war but for Tamils, it means so much more. Tamils worldwide commemorate this day to all the lives lost during the final stages of the civil war – Mullivaikkal Remembrance Day. Notably, the Sri Lankan armed forces supposedly marked the end of the civil war with the killing of Velupillai Prabakaran – LTTE leader. However, there is no evidence that the militant leader was killed. In the final stages of the war, the United Nations reports at least 40,000 Tamils killed (Doucet, 2012). The war may be over but my extended family and Tamils residing in Sri Lanka are still affected by the aftermath. Post-traumatic stress disorder, loss of a loved one, disappearance, sexual violence, torture and rape is a few of the results of war. The experiences of a 26-year long war have detrimental effects on the psychological and emotional wellbeing of Tamils. 

Anthropological Analysis

My understanding of the Sri Lankan civil war can be related back to a few medical anthropology concepts. Firstly, Michel Foucault’s idea of biopower can be used to explain the effects of the civil war. Biopower refers to “the ways that populations or groups are managed, regulated and encouraged to adhere to norms” (Dahl, 2019, 19). Foucault originally used this term to explain the management of institutions such as health care. He believed that biopower is seen in the field of health care through the view of dominant medical ideas and practices (Dahl, 2019). Furthermore, this idea of biopower also relates to panopticon. Panopticon was a building designed to be a jail in which the centre held a tower for the guard. Prisoners were not able to see the guard but because the guard was stationed in the middle – prisoners were on their best behaviour (Dahl, 2019). In terms of the civil war, in Sri Lanka, the dominant perception was that the civil war due to the rebelling of Tamils. The Sri Lankan government and the majority population (Singhalese) believed that the war was due to the Tamils and their inability to follow the norm. This stance takes a culture of poverty stance – as individuals blame the victim and the oppressed for the issue. It fails to take into account the social and historical reasons for the war. 

Instead, a structural violence stance should be taken regarding the conflict in Sri Lanka. Structural violence refers to underlying political, economic, social, medical and legal reasons for issues. This perspective looks at how the issue is patterned and does not blame the individuals. Ugwu (2019) originally used this concept to explain how the malaria epidemic in Nigeria was not due to a cultural problem. Instead, it was the poor prevention efforts and inability to listen to the individuals’ concerns. Thus, looking at the history of interventions allows one to see what has worked in the past and what has not (Ugwu, 2019). In regard to the civil war, the structural violence point of view enables individuals to see how history and colonialism played a large role. Prior laws in Sri Lanka discriminated Tamils while favouring the Singhalese. For instance, they changed the official language from English to Singhalese. This prevented Tamils from seeking jobs in the public service industry as they would not be fluent (Britannica, 1988). Moreover, Tamils were routinely discriminated in public spheres – whether it be in the education or working sector. 

In addition, Brigg’s concept of agency can be applied to how Tamils worldwide reacted to the last stages of the civil war. Agency refers to one’s ability to act in meaningful ways – in lay man’s terms, it is simply a freedom or a choice (Briggs, 2004). Tamils across the world engaged in several resistance movements during the final legs of the war when armed forces engaged in mass killings. In hopes of media and government attention, Tamils participated in protests. For instance, Tamils in Toronto protested and blocked the Gardiner expressway in hopes of bringing awareness to the genocide. It is important to note that Tamils living outside of Sri Lanka had the privilege to voice their concerns – something that Tamils residing in Sri Lanka still do not have. Another concept of Briggs that is applicable to this case, is political economy. Political economy in this sense is how inequalities are patterned in society in a political and economic sense. An example is structural inequalities like lack of resources (Briggs, 2004). For Tamils, this is seen through systemic oppression in both education, employment and even daily lives. 

Furthermore, Wailoo’s concept of discourse relates back to the civil war. Discourse refers to the ways in which someone communicates and talks about an issue. It is the accepted way of talking about an issue (Wailoo, et.al, 2006). During the last legs of the war when communication was lost internationally, Tamils in internment camps were allowed to write letters to their families. My aunt had told us that she had sent many letters to us – but we had never received them. The Sri Lankan armed forces had been monitoring the letters and only sent out the ones they deemed appropriate to be read by the recipient. She had mentioned that in letters, she talked about what life was like in the camp and her experiences. This shows how during the conflict with the loss of communication – the Sri Lankan armed forces wanted to control what was being said or communicated to those outside the country. 

Lastly, Kleinman’s concept of illness can be applied to the trauma that Tamils have faced due to the war. He refers to illness as the experience of “symptoms and sufferings” from an individual’s perspective (Kleinman,1988, 3). One’s understanding of their illness is influenced by their perceptions as well as their agents of socialization – whether it be friends or family. Kleinman’s use of this term refers to how the experience of illness is often a social one (Kleinman,1988). It involves communicating with others especially your loved ones to discuss how they are feeling. It also requires support from others – whether it be medical professionals, family or friends. For Tamils who have experienced the civil war firsthand, they are often left with post-traumatic stress disorder. This affects their lives in profound ways and often requires treatment from professionals in order to cope. Furthermore, Kleinman also refers to cultural salience which refers to the ways in which illnesses can have either a positive or negative meaning (Kleinman,1988). An example of cultural salience is stigma. It is important to note that mental health in the Tamil community is something that is not spoken about in the public realm and even a private one. Many Tamils suffer in silence because of the stigma of mental illness in the community. 

In conclusion, the Sri Lankan civil war deeply affected the lives of those living in Sri Lanka, – especially Tamils. The civil war came to a close back in May of 2009, but it continues to have profound effects on the lives of Tamils both in Sri Lanka and globally. The Sri Lankan civil war can be analyzed through a medical anthropology lens through my understanding of biopower, structural violence, agency, political economy, discourse, illness and cultural salience. Many individuals view Sri Lanka as a paradise island but fail to recognize the history of violence, war and discrimination. Though there is still a long way to go and quite a bit of healing needed for Tamils – slowly things are changing for the good in Sri Lanka.  

References:

Briggs, C. 2004. Theorizing Modernity Conspiratorially: Science, Scale, and the Political Economy of Public Discourse in Explanations of a Cholera Epidemic. American Ethnologist 31(2):164-187.

Britannica. (1998, July 20). Sinhala Only Bill. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/event/Sinhala-Only-Bill

Dahl, B. (2019). ANTC61: Metaphors, Bodies, Gender and Cancer, Week 3notes [Lecture]. Retrieved from https://q.utoronto.ca/courses/108305/modules

Doucet, L. (2012, November 13). UN ‘failed Sri Lanka civilians’, says internal probe. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-20308610.

Kleinman, A. 1988. Preface; and The Meanings of Symptoms and Disorders. In The Illness Narratives: Suffering, Healing & the Human Condition. USA: Basic Books, pp. xi-xvi; 3-30.

Ugwu, C. 2019. Framing Local Attitudes to a Modern Health Intervention in the Neoliberal Order: Culturalism and Malaria Control in Southeastern Nigeria. Journal of Asian and African Studies.1-18

Wailoo, K., Livingston, J., Guarnaccia, G. (Eds). 2006. A Death Retold: Jesica Santillan, the Bungled Transplant, and Paradoxes of Medical Citizenship. Chapel Hill, NC: University of North Carolina Press. [Excerpt, pp 1-45]

Posted in Uncategorized

Awesome Blogger Award

So, I got nominated for an award – the last time I did one of these was in probably a few years ago. I would like to thank Jirah Merizz for nominating me :). I’m so happy you have been enjoying my blog. Be sure to check her out!


Rules

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Answer the questions you were asked.
  3. Nominate at least five bloggers and inform them of their nomination.
  4. Give them ten questions to answer.

Questions:

  1. If there’s no quarantine, what are you doing right now? I would probably still be at home with a nice cup of tea and a book or watching netflix.

2. What are some of your favourite Netflix series? This list could go on and on – but a few are Grey’s Anatomy, Burden of Truth, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Gilmore Girls, One Day at a Time, Lucifer, The Flash and The Ranch.

3. How long have you been blogging already? I have been blogging since early 2017 – so 3 years 🙂

4. What are some of your favourite posts that you’ve written?

5. What inspires you to blog? My late cousin, Waldo, and the hopes of fighting the stigma against mental illness.

6. Would you still write if WordPress never existed? Yes, I would but it would probably be for myself. Before I started my blog, I wrote in my bullet journal.

7. Describe one goal you’d like to achieve before the year ends? I want to increase my GPA in university. My grades have suffered this past year due to my anxiety but I am determined to work hard to see the improvement!

8. Would you rather have a cat or a dog? Can’t decide between the two – I actually want both.

9. What is your favourite book? The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

10. If you had to change your name, what would it be? To be honest, I never thought about changing my name. So I don’t know.

I nominate:

Please check out the blogs I’ve listed – these are the ones I’ve been enjoying as of late. Dear nominees, it’s up to you if you’d like to participate in this award.

My Questions for you:

  • What is your favourite pastime?
  • What made you want to start writing on WordPress?
  • What are some of your favourites this month (product, technology, book, music etc)
  • If you could go back 10 years what would you tell your past self?
  • How are you feeling during these trying times with COVID-19?
  • Who is one person you look up to in your life?
  • Are you a coffee or tea drinker?
  • What do you see your self doing in the next 10 years – career wise and personally?
  • What is your favourite animal?
  • How do you deal with challenges or stress in your life?

I look forward to seeing your responses 🙂

-XOXO chana